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William Collins

An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers

1 London Bridge Street

London SE1 9GF

This eBook first published in Great Britain by William Collins in 2018

Copyright © 2016 by Garrard Conley

Cover design by Rachel Willey

Garrard Conley asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins

Source ISBN: 9780008276980

Ebook Edition © March 2018 ISBN: 9780008276997

Version: 2018-07-03

For my parents

Yet she could see by their shocked and altered faces that even their virtues were being burned away.

—FLANNERY O’CONNOR, “REVELATION”

If I’m looking at that wall and suddenly I say, “It’s blue,” and someone else comes along and says, “No, no. It’s gold. ” But I want to believe that that wall is blue. It’s blue, it’s blue, it’s blue. But then God comes along, and He says, “You’re right, John, it is blue. ” That’s the help I need.

—EX-GAY LEADER JOHN SMID, IN AN INTERVIEW WITH THE Memphis Flyer

Contents

Copyright

Dedication

Epigraph

Author’s Note

Timeline of the Ex-gay Movement

I

Monday, June 7, 2004

The Plain Dealers

Wednesday, June 9, 2004

Other Boys

Friday, June 11, 2004

Prisoner’s Cinema

II

The Smallest Details

Saturday, June 12, 2004

Diagnosis

Monday, June 14, 2004

Self-Portrait

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Epilogue

Acknowledgments

About the Author

During my time at Love in Action (LIA), no journaling, photographing, or any other method of recording was allowed inside the facility. To that effect, all events, physical descriptions, and dialogue have been reconstructed to the best of my ability. My mother’s and my memories, LIA’s ex-gay handbook, newspaper articles, blog posts, and personal interviews have supplemented the empty spaces where trauma has made dark what was once painfully clear. As in most memoirs, the chronology is accurate, altered only in places where the narrative requires it. I have excluded details that seemed irrelevant to the nature of the story. The names and certain identifying characteristics of some key figures in my life, including Chloe, Brandon, David, Brad, Brother Stevens, and Brother Neilson have been changed.